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The thought of suicide is a powerful solace: by means of it one gets through many a bad night. – Friedrich Nietzsche

History had countlessly defeated the various ideals that people claimed to hold up so high. One front that we particularly did not advance in was our intolerance of any difference or peculiarity. Anything that threatened the status quo was deemed a threat and therefore, had to be exterminated from the face of earth. What is equality, liberty, or maybe even truth, when the people who claim to seek for them, teach their kids to hate homosexuals, instilling distorted values which are the very antithesis of what they strive so hard for?

“Fag, go masturbate with a cucumber or a banana. Tell me which one’s better tomorrow, I can announce it to the whole class for you— Sherrie’s Exclusive Advice to Homos.”

“You homos know nothing better than to sit together in your own comfort groups all day, sticking to each other like dog shit on pavement. That’s what you all are. Dog shit.”

“It must be some mental illness you’ve got, or a disease. What you do ain’t normal! They should lock all of you guys up in an asylum or something. That way we can live our lives in peace.”

Tonia glanced apprehensively sideways at Sherrie through sheets of rain. The sweat on her palms mingled with the cold water pooling on the edges of the rooftop as she gripped it tightly, sitting precariously on it, beside Sherrie. Below them is a plummeting drop to death and Tonia watched as her best friend’s tears fell with the rain, indistinguishable, fell to oblivion, down, down to the uncaring bustling streets below. She felt like tearing up inside seeing her friend so shattered and broken, like porcelain pieces of a once beautiful, graceful sculpture.

“All it takes is a push,” Sherrie said glumly, “and I’ll be free falling with the rain. Accelerating towards the earth, towards my death. And then it’ll all be over just like that.”

Tonia remained silent, gazing at the skyscrapers looming in front of her like hooded ghosts behind the veil of rain. It was late, but many office lights were still turned on, little misty squares of soft yellow glowing in the distance. Tonia cupped her hands and the rain filled it up, brimming quickly, until the water overflowed and continued its cascade. All was quiet except for the unceasing splatter of raindrops, drenching the two hunched girls to the bones.

“Sherrie…” Tonia began slowly, teeth chattering in the cold, choosing her words with utmost care. “What do you think it feels like to be rain?”

“I’ll find out soon, won’t I? Won’t be able to tell you though… ”

(Dammit shouldn’t have said that.) “I think we’re all like rain already. Speeding towards death from the moment we’re born, like how raindrops know their end is imminent as soon as they fall. Bound by the laws of gravity, they all fall in a straight line, at the same speed, and they can’t choose their own paths to destruction. But we can, Sherrie. We can. Even if we are born lesbians. You don’t have to die like raindrops do.”

Tonia reached forward to brush the heavy locks of hair from Sherrie’s forehead. Holding her cheek gently, she begged, “Don’t go yet. You’re worth much more than rain.”

Sobbing uncontrollably, Sherrie fell— into Tonia’s arms, and Tonia held her frail, shaking frame as they silently whiled the night away.

When you internalize your secrets and let them accumulate, on a very bad day, it takes only a little more to push you to the limits, when you question yourself, is life still worth living? And dying will suddenly feel very simple. Just a step from the rooftop, or the kick of a stool as you grab at the rope tight around your neck, or a violent stab at yourself. Then everything will end, and all of life’s troubles will be gone.

Maybe you feel that the whole world is against you sometimes, but that happens to everyone. Sometimes you feel that no one understands you, but think, there are almost seven billion people in the world now, so maybe someone else is going through the same struggles too. No one is entirely alone; it’s the distance between two that makes one feel isolated and vulnerable.

“We all start off like raindrops, but we don’t have to end like them. We don’t have to let people dictate our lives with the opposing beliefs they impose on us. I mean, it’s your life. Why should you let ignorant people affect what you think about yourself?”

“Hey, so did you do it? Which is better, cucumber or banana?”

“When they speak like that, they say everything about themselves and nothing about us. Sherrie… Be strong, because they win when your soul dies.”

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is a playground for my unspeakable thoughts.

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